I stuff emotions.
Would rather not feel them.
Emotions get in the way. Interrupt my flow.
Sometimes I wish I could turn them off, just for a bit.
But emotions don't obey commands. They can't be rationalized away.
I have to feel them, let them pass through.
With ADHD comes strong emotions. Especially around rejection or perceived rejection.
RSD, or Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria is common among ADHD brains.
RSD is "the intense emotional pain felt in response to being criticized or rejected" according to psycom.
This past week, I found myself spiraling in negativity.
Every small error felt like a confirmation of my brokenness.
Didn't get everything done on my list that day? Failure!
It felt like dark rainclouds over my head.
But then the clouds lifted. Quickly they had come, and quickly the clouds left.
What was happening?
A practice of remembering
I was invited to spend time in a cabin on a mountain.
3 days of journaling, praying, and remembering.
Thinking back to my earliest memories, I began to write down my life story.
Two pens, two colors, and two voices emerged. These would not be just my memories.
I would write down a memory, and ask God where he had been. What was he feeling, thinking? Why had he made me this way?
When I struggled to take his perspective, I turned to Psalm 139 to hear what he says about me.
With the tears came words. Words of encouragement. Words of affirmation.
I am loved. I am wanted. I am whole.
Journaling reminds us of who we are
You may have different beliefs.
But journaling can help to remind you of who you are.
Journaling can take us back. It can transport us. Perhaps even transform us.
Who you are is not just the you of today. The you of yesterday, and the day before make up some part of you as well.
Do you have a journaling practice? If not, now might be a great time to start!